Fresh perspective.

This week I am blessed to be able to attend a CREDO conference for Episcopal clergy. We have already done a heap of pre-work, taking stock of physical, spiritual, emotional, vocational and financial health. (That’s some pretty comprehensive inventory-taking.)

As a longtime practitioner of the 12 Steps, I know the value of taking stock in this way. What a joy to bring this work to a sacred place, to have time away for reflection, worship and prayer in community with my peers.

I do not know what specifically will come of this, but I know there will be unexpected gifts. I imagine coming away from this experience with renewed energy, new friends, and a fresh perspective.

(I photographed this beautiful creature yesterday, traveling south on N. Main St. In Jacksonville, FL.)

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What matters.

Recently, at one of our post-worship picnics, I enjoyed watching a local church youth group distribute lunches to the congregation. We had been able to have our service outside, under the sycamore tree, but then decided to come inside our bishop’s conference room for lunch. When the rain came down, we were grateful for cover.

After everyone had been served, I found a seat in the back, next to a young man, whom I’d met a few weeks earlier at our “mission camp.” We opened our bagged lunches and discussed the pros and cons of mayonnaise. I added a little to my sandwich, while he skipped it altogether. I shared about how my beautiful southern belle of a mama loved mayo. “She would slather anything with it,” I explained. “Like frosting?” He chimed in. “Exactly!” “Yuk!” We agreed that when it comes to mayo there is such a thing as too much.

As we dug in to our sandwiches, I asked my young friend if he’d gotten a bottle of water, and he indicated that he had. “I brought a packet of Crystal Light for it,” he confided, “but I don’t think I’ll use it.” I processed this for a second then said, “that’s because you don’t want to make anyone else feel bad or left out.” He shook his head, confirming this.

It warms my heart to spend time with a young boy — no more than 11 years old — who already has developed a sense of awareness and concern for those around him. It causes me to think of what another new friend, Jessie, shared with me last week: “The most important thing is to always start from a place of love. No matter what you’re doing, start from love, ” he said matter-of-factly. “That’s what matters.”

And the people said, Amen.

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(Photo taken by Mary Hamilton.)

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Together, a dwelling place for God.

(Photo taken at Our Little Roses home in Honduras.)

(Photo taken at Our Little Roses home in Honduras.)

Last night, a cadre of folks who have been participating in various aspects of our “church without walls” ministry came together to reflect on what God might be doing in us. We took time to think and share about how God is showing up for us, individually and as a community.

One participant, Jamie Chiles, sent me some thoughts this morning. Her words articulate well the heart of what this ministry is about and the potential of what it can be for those who are drawn to it, whether they be housed or unhoused, churched or unchurched, poor or affluent, black or white. Jamie wrote this:

This morning it came to me that the name, Church Without Walls, is also a metaphor for what is happening within us.  That we have walls that we construct to elevate ourselves, judge, separate us from others on an unconscious as well as a conscious level.  Then the words of Ephesians came to me as a reminder that Christ “has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall…(making us) fellow citizens with God’s people.”  Then we can say, not that we are doing ministry for the homeless but simply that we gather together in the name of Christ and see our brother and sister.

Jamie’s insight draws on the second chapter of the letter to the Ephesians.  In it, Paul promises that we are no longer strangers or aliens, that we are members of the household of God. With Jesus as the cornerstone, whoever we are, we are joined together, as we grow into a holy temple – a dwelling place for God (Eph 2:19-22).

Thanks, Jamie, for being willing to share!

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Grace happens.

Over and over again, I am humbled, amazed and touched at what God does to bring healing, connection and meaning into our broken world.

(photo taken at Our Little Roses home in Honduras.)

(photo taken at Our Little Roses home in Honduras.)

A couple of days ago I was at a local shelter where I serve as a part-time chaplain, making myself available to clients as well as to staff or anyone else who happens to show up.  This ministry is all about showing up and being present with whomever and whatever is.

This week I have been delighted because another chaplain, toward the end of his professional training, would begin making rounds with me. This is something I have dreamt of and worked towards over the past year, at least.  I feel certain God wants more chaplains available, out there where people are on the edge of things.  Chaplains with training and tools – very important elements as this work involves wading into sometimes faith-challenging territory. It involves venturing into the wilderness.

So I made arrangements to meet this new chaplain at a designated point, so I could escort him into our first afternoon of front-line work.  I scurried to a health center lobby and greeted him. Just at that moment, a man in a state of distress got my attention. “I have an emergency. I need to talk with you.” I immediately whisked him outside where we could talk, leaving the chaplain to wait.

About 10 minutes later, I was free again, and thought: “I hope the new chaplain’s okay.” It wasn’t the most welcoming thing to leave him on his own, right off the bat.  I went back inside, into the lobby where I’d left him.  Things had changed.  One woman, who had been fairly quiet moments before, was singing a refrain from a gospel hymn. She was smiling and glowing, full of the spirit. She looked up at me and said: “Your husband is a wonderful, kind man.” I explained that he wasn’t my husband, but agreed he’s a good man.  I explained that we were chaplains.

Meanwhile the new chaplain was seated with his back to me, listening intently to another woman speaking about how blessed she feels by God, about how much gratitude she has, knowing God is with her, no matter what.  The tears streamed down her face as she leaned forward, telling her story.

We stayed just a few moments more. The new chaplain doesn’t need my help. He is connecting.  He is listening to God, and he is listening to the people he encounters.  That’s all any of us need to do. Show up and listen. Show up and pray. God loves to show off in such moments.

In moments like this, grace happens.

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Better late than never.

butterflyCWWFor a moment today, I was upset with myself for overlooking the Feast Day of St. Clare of Assisi (yesterday, August 11).  For Pete’s sake, this blog is named for Clare, about whom I became curious and to whom I found myself drawn, while serving at a parish named for St. Francis.  Clare was forever changed when she heard Francis preach not long after his conversion experience and left behind her aristocratic station in life to follow his example, serving Christ by serving the poor and the sick.  She founded an order — the Poor Clares — and eventually challenged Francis and his brothers to maintain a life of simplicity when they appeared to stray from that call.

Clare and Francis were given the imagination and power to embody the Good News. The life and teachings of Christ revealed in the Gospel narratives call us to have special consideration for the poor, the alien, the sick, and the forgotten.  I am sorry I forgot Clare yesterday but I am grateful for her example.

Yesterday our “church without walls” community gathered for a holy and tender time.  Again, folks began to collect under the shade of the sycamore, a full 45 minutes before the service. For the most part, the early arrivers sat in silence for a spell.  Off to the side, one pair carried on a quiet conversation.  It was as if the Holy Spirit placed a sign at the edge of our space: please observe quiet as we gather and prepare for worship.

That shifted when a man wheeled up on his bike. He was smiling brightly. “I went to my first AA meeting this morning,” he reported.  “That’s terrific. Congratulations!” When I asked what inspired this, he told me: “I woke up sober this morning. Then I remembered where there used to be a meeting place not far from here. So I went to see if they were still there.”

Not much time passed when another man approached me – someone with whom I visited at a shelter some months ago.  He was dying of alcoholism, but he didn’t think he needed treatment or a recovery program. “What I need is a job,” he’d told me. He was very smart, perhaps too smart for his own good. This morning there was unmistakable pain and deep sadness in his eyes, “that awful ache and aloneness” that every alcoholic knows.  “I just got out of detox,” he told me. “I’ve been walking around, not knowing what to do.  I looked up and saw you here and couldn’t believe it.”  After worship we wrote out a brief plan for the next few days so that he can get help, if only he will.  “You need to latch onto men who have been where you are. If you will do that, you will have an amazing life.” He looked at me, seeming to want to believe. “I feel like I’m back at square one,” he told me. “That’s good,” I said. “You’re ahead in the game. After all, you could be dead.”

After the service, people gathered on the grass, in groups of twos and threes and fours, as we enjoyed a picnic. Lots of quiet encouragement happened. Even laughter and good-natured joking. After lunch, as we began gathering up our trash, a golden butterfly lighted on the suitcase that carries communion supplies and doubles as a place to tie up a trash bag. It caused me to think about how what looks like hopelessness or worthlessness can be transformed into new life.

Once when I was in deep pain, feeling the weight of shame and failure, my father told me: “Jesus comes around many times an hour, driving the garbage truck. You just take everything you are tired off or troubled about and put it in the truck.” That sounds downright hokey, something you’d roll your eyes and snort at. But at that moment, it worked for me. When we get in enough pain, we become willing to hear.  And when we become willing, we have a chance.  It may seem late in the game, but it’s never too late.

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Under the sycamore.

sycamorepeaceThis past Sunday, a dear, elderly man came to our outdoor service for the first time. He often frequents our Wednesday morning coffee & prayer fellowship. He is always gracious, always has a kind word, always a warm smile.

The day was sunny and hot. Folks began gathering in the shade of the sycamore 45 minutes before the service was to begin.  Some time before the start of the service, this gentleman came walking across the parking lot, carrying a small folding chair. He was dressed in dark trousers and a deep tan shirt, ironed crisply and buttoned up. He wore a simple wooden cross. He greeted us warmly and accepted a cool bottle of water before planting his chair near the base of the tree. He looked regal as he sat tall in that simple chair — but it was a royalty grounded in utter humility. He was like a tree himself, deeply rooted, full of life in a quiet sort of way even as the love in him emanated like branches reaching out. He embodied dignity and reverence.

At the time in the service when we have a holy conversation, I asked this beautiful community to begin thinking and praying about what God might be calling us to be, how we are to steward this gift of space and time for gathering and worship. I asked folks to think about how they might like to serve and what gifts they might like to share. One man admitted that he can sing; soon I hope he will want to share this with us.

During the prayers of the people, one woman shared that she was visiting her daughter and granddaughters who are currently sheltered here. She  expressed deep gratitude for how freely God’s love flows, how freely kindness flows, even in the streets. Her beautiful granddaughters beamed as they enjoyed fellowship with a lovely young college student who was  visiting our community for the first time.

At the end of our service, when I asked for a volunteer to bless our picnic lunch, a woman who has been with us for a few weeks tentatively came forward from the edge of our group. She stood squarely under the sycamore and gave thanks for our gathering, for friendship, for our lunch and for all the blessings God provides.

Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia!
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Camp “do-over.”

(Photo taken at Camp Weed.)

(Photo taken at Camp Weed.)

This past week I was blessed with a doozy of a “do-over.” I spent a week at camp, serving as chaplain for a group of 97 beautiful kids, ranging in age from middle-school through high-school. It wasn’t until the last night that I confided in them: I have never been a part of a youth group, never even went to camp as a kid, and never ran a youth group as a minister. My primary qualification for being with them was that I had, at one time, been a “youth.”

But, if what I was teaching them at this “Mission camp” was at all true, then we can stand on this: we are all created to be leaders of one sort or another. As brothers and sisters of Jesus, we are all called to feed and heal and lift up the downtrodden. In our day-to-day lives, we are called to seek justice and show mercy.  First and foremost, we simply must report for duty. And if we feel like we have drifted way out of our comfort zone, we are probably right where God wants us.

The second full day at camp, I took time out for a phone call to one of the best leaders I know (clay feet and all) – my father.  He was scheduled for a medical evaluation that morning, and I was eager to hear what the doctor had to say.  Dad spent no more than a minute, giving a rapid fire report on his health. Quickly, he demanded to know: “Tell me about the kids. What’s going on with the kids.”  “Oh, they are awesome,” I reported. “You wouldn’t believe how hard they are working, how well they are working together.” “Good,” he said. “Be sure and do everything you can to impress upon them how important this is.” He wanted them to know that they are made for a life rooted in community and service. He wanted them to know this secret to a happy and contented life.

I shared this with the kids during our evening devotion; it may have meant more to the adults present but it was hard to tell.  We carried on with the week, working, playing and praying together. Several groups insisted on working past the appointed time because they wanted to finish. This applied to projects taking care of folks in the community as well as cleaning up our camp. Then the last evening, just before our final devotion, Dad called.  He sounded like a little kid at Christmas (if enthusiasm is a charism, he has it in spades).  “Tell me about the kids. How are they doing? What have they learned?”  He couldn’t get enough of my camp stories.

When we gathered that evening, I told the kids about the phone call, which spoke to something bigger than one man’s heart. “It is important for you to know that there is a huge group of people throughout our diocese who love you and care about you.  They want you to understand how incredibly precious and valuable you are. You are the future of the church.”

Each of these beautiful kids is wonderfully made, and I so wanted to transmit this to them. As a community, it is our job to transmit this to them.  The gifts of these precious ones vary widely – some are more obvious than others – but all are needed.  In closing our time together, I read to them from Sara Miles’s Jesus Freak:

“It doesn’t take a special kind of person (to lead) – the selfish and obtuse are welcome, too. It doesn’t take a lot of equipment, or training – little kids can lead.  Jesus is still with us, which means we can say yes to God’s call, without knowing what the outcome will be. We can jump right in, instead of waiting for a committee to authorize our work.

We can come and see what God is doing, all over the place, instead of worrying that we’re not good enough. We can get over our fear of strangers, free ourselves from superstition, and find sweet streams of mercy in the middle of the world’s driest places. We’re not alone.”

I think they got it. I hope I did.

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Abbey cats.

This week I have been enjoying much-needed downtime at a Roman Catholic Abbey. I don’t like the term “self-directed retreat” — my hope is to get out of myself — but my time here is essentially unstructured. If I want to eat, then I must adhere to the monks’ meal schedule. Everything else is considered optional.

This is a no-brainer for me, as I pour myself into the rhythm of lectio divina and prayers morning-noon-and-night, joining in as the brothers chant the psalter quietly. It is a gentle pleasure, relying on prayers from the Hebrew scripture to give voice to the longing of my heart.

The hospitality here is laid back, nothing self-conscious about it. Brother Joseph showed me where to find the service books and, after morning Eucharist, instructed me to follow the monks out a side door to the dining room, which is tucked deep within the monastery. The only visitor, I felt like an odd duckling — an imposter — as I fell in line behind the men in black, but they quickly accepted me.

My quarters are clean and roomy. A place is set for me at the table, both in the church and at meals. I can stretch and move at my own pace, as the spirit moves. Much like the feral cats that wander the grounds here at their leisure and for whom necessary sustenance is set out daily with love.

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Banishing loneliness.

Lately I have been struggling with various forms of media, and more specifically with the amount of time I spend scanning online news, and social media feeds. Fortunately I think I am too old to “get” Twitter though I do “tweet” new blog entries or very occasional items about ministry.

A dear old friend, who is no longer with us, used to describe what he observed of the bland, calming demeanor of funeral planners as “almost lifelike.”  Though his assessment is not fair or politically correct, I like to borrow his words when I think of social media, in particular Face Book (the favorite venue for the “older folks” like me).

I began using Face Book, when I went to seminary (much communication with new students happened this way). It has been great fun to share photos and observations with friends near and far and to reconnect or even connect for the first time with family around the globe.

Other forms of technology have proven to be incredibly convenient, even efficient. That I pay for unlimited texting speaks to my use of this tool, and being able to read and send email messages from my phone has gone from being a luxury to being essential.

But with hundreds of “friends” and undoubtedly thousands of messages a month (given all the electronic venues), I am feeling overexposed. And isolated.

(Spencer, Leonor and me in the moto-taxi.)

(Spencer, Leonor and me in the moto-taxi.)

The most life-giving, meaningful exchanges for me, over the past 6 months even, have not occurred online. Travelling to Honduras to reconnect  in person with my dear friend Spencer; unexpectedly meeting and sharing with my new friend Atticus; and spending a week with my friend Leonor – these inconvenient, time-consuming mostly one-on-one encounters are what feed me and enliven me (far more than dozens of electronic “likes” from people whom I love dearly).  Having coffee with Evonne or Bill or dinner with Kate or Laura; walking in the “hood” with Jill or grilling burgers in the backyard – this is where I am renewed.  The “pause” is critical to spiritual health.  Truly being with ourselves and with others – this is what we are wired for.

I will continue blogging and using Face Book, email and Twitter to share ministry information, to help enlarge and enrich this community of presence that only and finally becomes real when we physically come together and gather. (I am reminded of my dear friend Dorothy who is unable to gather due to physical limitations – but her ministry and friendship are lived out on a body level as she prays daily and sends gifts of journals and pens.) But, I will not be spending time scanning “newsfeeds” and “liking” stuff (hoping I don’t need a 12-step program to live into this…).

I still love my friends, even those to whom I am connected but whom I truly do not know. I would much rather talk to you directly, best in person. I would much rather know you in a real way, in real life.

At first glance it may seem my world is getting smaller.  But, already, I can feel it opening up.

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The desire to please.

(Photo taken at the Banias spring, Israel, the source of the Jordan River)

(Photo taken at the Banias spring, Israel, the source of the Jordan River)

Each time I facilitate a spiritual journaling workshop for women, it is different. Some women repeat the workshop, but there are always new folks coming in so that the group dynamic is never the same. There have been as few as two and as many as 14.

Recently we had a group of 8 – a good number that allows for each woman to participate and share if she so chooses. My friend Amy, who will be ordained soon, joined us. Ahead of time, I gave her the speech about how each session is different, how God picks who will come (this reminder was as much for my benefit).

Sometimes the women strike me as fairly open and willing to be vulnerable. As I share some suggestions about different ways to journal, different ways to begin (i.e. writing a letter to God or copying a favorite piece of scripture or poetry and then responding to it), they are eager and share their own stories of what has been helpful to them. We speak about how often as women, and especially as women who are in crisis or times of transition, we often feel invisible. We often feel we have no voice, that no one is really listening to our hearts. Sometimes we deduce that we are not valuable or worthy of being heard. I tell them journaling creates a space where we practice listening to ourselves, where we allow ourselves to be heard.

This particular afternoon was not an easy workshop for me. I sensed that a number of the women had a wall up, were not in the mood to be forthcoming. Only two in the group had attended a previous session; I could sense that I was being checked out and evaluated. When we were more than halfway through, one of the new women spoke up; a number of the woman watched her closely. “You haven’t said it yet,” she began. “The name Jesus.”  I told the women a little of my background, then explained that the workshop was open to all, regardless of their faith or religious affiliation. I spoke of journaling as a way to connect with our deepest selves and, if we do that honestly, we can connect with the divine, with the holy in ourselves as part of God’s magnificent creation.

These kinds of interactions often frustrate me. I want these women to receive what is offered. Ay-ay-yay-yay; I-I-I-I.  I remind myself that there is always at least one who is there for an immediate reason or need (even if it is just me entering a process of ego deflation and surrender).

At the end of our session, when the ladies gathered their new notebooks, muttered their “thank you’s” and filed out, one stayed behind. “What do you ladies know about grieving the Holy Spirit,” she asked. This was not simply an inquiry to satisfy curiosity about an interesting topic. When I asked where the question was coming from, she immediately began to weep. She was afraid that she had done “the unforgiveable.”

I told her that I have no expertise on “grieving the Holy Spirit” but that in my experience, people who worry a great deal about this question need not do so. God is only grieved by our fear that “we have really done it this time” – that we somehow have exceeded the reach of God’s love and mercy.  This is not to say we do not try to grow in our faith, but we cannot escape our humanity. Time and again, we must offer all that we are and all that we have — ourselves, our souls and bodies (warts and all) — to the One who loves us.

We prayed with our friend, who wept deeply at the possibility that she had grieved God.  We thanked God for her, for her tender heart and her desire to please God. We thanked God for her question and her willingness to voice it in the context of community, where there is strength in numbers. Where together we can receive the goodness of God that often seems too overwhelming or simply impossible when we are left alone to our own devices.

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